Saturday, 9 August 2014

why does my child not listen to me



 In today’s world teachers and mothers need to be leaders and not bosses. In Piaget’s words they must work for the goal of ‘autonomy’ (intelligent and ethical decision making) rather than obedience.

There should be no such thing as ‘discipline’; it should be behavior management or modification. Discipline, is fixed, like in the army, but behavior can vary and with it varies the methods of handling misbehavior. 

Children in the first 6 years lack impulse control, they react without thinking.  Impulse control is developed with the growth in the pre frontal cortex, so the more the prefrontal cortex develops, the better will be the logic, reasoning, attention, focus in children. Play games to develop impulse control, simple games like ‘Simon says’, ‘Red light, Green light’, all develop impulse control. In Simon says, child has to concentrate and wait for the word ‘Simon’ to do the action, so he controls his impulse to do the action, until he hears the word.

After the age of 6 behavioral problems continue sometimes because kids lack self control. It is important to understand that- 

·         Children are able to focus only on one thing at a time. And so during a tantrum they are unable to see the other point of view.
·         They are unable to figure out the impact of their actions on others in a logical way.
·         Kids have a hard time working out how to get from one state of affairs to another. So it takes them time to work out their emotions. 

The best time to change children’s behavior is not during a tantrum, as the brain is in a shut down mode during a tantrum.  It is often when children are not in the heat of a tantrum that they are best able to think and learn about it.
It would be ideal to have an agreement of behaviour both at home and school- rule # 1 should be, ‘hitting and hurting is not allowed and so we will use words instead.’  Show kids a socially accepted avenue to show their anger and frustration; don’t stop them from experiencing these emotions.  Use sentences like,’ I know you are angry because I did not give you the toy, but instead of beating me, you can beat the pillow’. Don’t react to kid’s misbehavior with your own, if we are telling children, not to hit others when they are angry, then how can we hit them when we are angry? 

Any form of whacking or smacking is still child abuse. You may justify spanking by saying you love your child and want him to improve but you are only teaching the child that hitting is a form of showing love, and they will then grow up accepting violence and violent people. Domestic violence stems from such childhood experiences. Children who are smacked associate love and violence to be the same and so they turn violent or accept violence towards themselves.
What works is conflict resolution. Conflict resolution can be taught in the following steps-
1.     Seeking help- by calling for an adult or going to an adult and informing him that someone is troubling him. Here adults need to understand that this is not tattling and the child should not be blamed for coming for help as this is the first step of conflict resolution, when the child’s efforts at this step fails then he ‘fails’ to believe in any kind of resolution and will then resort to violence.
2.     Taking turns or sharing- an important social skill that is needed to survive with friends and siblings and children should be motivated and complimented for doing it.
3.     Using language instead of hands- teaches children to talk about their needs, their likes and dislikes. Teach them to communicate it to their friends and siblings. ‘Please don’t push my toys’, please don’t push me, you are hurting me’. Etc
4.     Teach children to walk away- a very important technique which can be very helpful when dealing with bullies, instead of standing and arguing or appealing to the bully, walk away from him.
5.     Discussing and planning with adults- telling the parents about a certain bully or how some of her friends tease her etc. then the parents can sit with the child and help her plan what to do and when. This helps the child understand that there is always a way out of the problem and also helps her self esteem and confidence as she is assured in the safe feeling that her parents are there for her.

For repeated instances of misbehaviour, it is important to see children who experience repeated serious conflict not as problem children but as children with problems who need guidance.
So try the following- 
n  Identify and specify instances of misbehavior
n  Observe what happens before and after the behavior
n  Measure how often it happens
n  How long does it last
n  Find a pattern in the behavior
n  Bring about the Change and implement it.
n  Continue measuring the behavior
n  Every time the child exhibits the new behavior, Encourage new behavior.

How we modify our kids behaviour when they are at their most vulnerable has a tremendous impact on their personality, coping skills and our dreams for them. When we believe in positive behaviour management it fosters emotional growth and logical thinking is nurtured. They learn about cause and effect, they learn to trust adults and respect and love themselves.

Adults should remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour.




54 comments:

Pjk Jamnagar said...

Very true said ma'am and your guidelines really help us in becoming not only good teacher but very understanding parent.

Pritijayant said...

As always... we are very thankful for your knowledgeable , problem solving solution,guidance. This is the most parents problem facing about the child but by conflict resolution and suggested ways we can get success and can stop misbehaviour and voilence of child.

Pjk Baroda said...

"My child does not listen to me" seems to be the favourite complaint of both parents and teachers. Most pray for a magic mantra or seek solutions to "make" their child listen to them. They don't try to understand the reasons underlying the child's behavior. Thank you, Ma'am for providing the much needed guidance for our parents and teachers thereby benefiting the kids.

Kalpana Mahalwar said...

A ready practical informative guide to the parents and the teachers regarding the concern which they face on day to day basis. Everyone needs to understand that each and every child has to be tackled differently with different techniques. We should be a role model and not a boss or a Hitler.

Kamakshi Iyer said...

It is truly said that children do not misbehave but we misinterpret their behaviour.As ma'am said that mothers and teachers try to be bosses and not leaders. I totally agree with it.
After reading this article i really feel that all the mothers and teachers should read and implement it. Thank you very much madam for giving your valuable guidance.

Shimoga Pjk said...

Conflict resolution is wonderful tool in behavior management.Which should be inculcated by both teacher and parent.Thank you very much for the step should be involved in this process,which will indeed help the child in development of brain

Suman Khandelwal PJK Gondia said...

Its very true ma'am and thank you for the knowledgeable and understanding guidence for both teachers as well as for the parents.
In our A to z kiducation " U " stands for the -understanding the needs of the kids. is already mentioned. and the detail explanation we have received in this artical it would help both parents and teachers to become a role model and not the Boss.

Bhosari Pjk said...

Very true ma'am this article is a great help for teachers & parents to understand about the change in their kids behavior & work accordingly in a friendly way.

Bhavna Dwivedi said...

It is important to keep the chirpiness in children alive the more we try to discipline them the traditional way the more they will loose out on their natural ability to learn and react to different learning areas they are exposed to and we will get a set reaction from all children if we are too strict and expect our children not to move or talk during lessons. The physical environment of the child should not be too cluttered and there should be enough space for a child to move about and explore.I have got a variety of tips from this article to take forward and help adults realize that we need to interpret the child's behaviour and modify as per needs and proper understanding. Regards,Ms. Bhavna

Jumbo Kids, Chakan said...

The most common problem faced by parents and teachers complaining that their children don't listen to them.This article will help parents and teachers in understanding of children and their behaviour.

Pimpri Standalone PJK OWN said...

Games like Simon says or Red light-Green light teach children to wait for appropriate commands and teach them self regulation,Thankyou Ma'am
for giving us information for behavior management.

PJK,Nigdi said...

This article will help both the teachers and Parents on behavior management techniques with children.Thank you ma'am.

Mentor Sarina said...

Thank you maam for the enriching and such valuable information.
when we deal with our children as a teacher or a parent the key is our sensitivity and patience.Understanding the needs of the children their style of learning and their personality type should be recognised and work on them accordingly.

Jumbo Kids Pimpri said...

This article will really help the teachers to change their role from a boss to good a leader. Thank you ma'am for for this much needed guidance it will not only help the teachers also the parents to understand their children better.

Jumbo Kids Pimpri said...

This article will really help the teachers to change their role from a boss to good a leader. Thank you ma'am for for this much needed guidance it will not only help the teachers also the parents to understand their children better.

Radhika Joshii said...

"My child does not listen to me", Teacher please teach him to respect and listen to his mother, This was the complaint of parent before few days. This article will work as magic tool for teachers and parents both. With help of given guidance we will be able to solve this kind of Behavior Management problem with right attitude and right technics.

Veena Sangli said...

Truly said by Ma'am,as an adult we always say the children misbehave.We forget to give them respect and misinterpret their behaviour.which can be tackle through positive behaviour management.

Aparna PJK Chinchwad-2 said...

Thank You Ma'am for this enlightening article.

This article will help all the parents especially the mothers and the teachers to understand that children when misbehave,something is bothering them either physically, emotionally or mentally. And this mistaken behaviour is taken as misbehaviour. Therefore the teachers and parents have to be very understanding as for the children mothers and teachers are their role models.

Farheen Qureshi said...

A must read article for parents and teachers to understand that there is no such thing as displining the child which will work but the techniques that needs to be used for modifying the child's incorrect behaviour which will help develop emotion skill and will nurture logical thinking.

Regards,
Farheen Shaikh

Amravati Pjk said...

Thank you ma'am,for guiding and reminding us that children do not misbehave.It is our misinterpret behavior .
Thank you ma'am for making us aware
through this blog.

Ankita Suchak said...
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Ankita Suchak said...

Respected Ma`am,
Once again we are thankful for sharing an important article.As nowadays we are discussing regarding this Why does children not listen & we got to read your this article with behaviour management tool which is definitely going to benefit our teachers.We will implement the guideline given in steps.

Snehal Pjk said...

Children should be encourage and supported to improve their emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and handle the emotional aspects of life. It would be great if supporting the development of emotional intelligence and providing reinforcers were enough to manage a child's behavior, but we all know that there are times when discipline is necessary. Researchers have looked at methods of providing discipline that also support building emotional intelligence. Its very true that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour the article is very informative and a reminder for parents and teachers to understand children behaviour .

Abhaya K said...

Thank you ma'am for sharing the process to be taken in order to resolve conflict. This gives us very good insight in moulding kids into good citizens.

Sridevi Mentor said...

You are 100 % right ma’am that the role of an adult is to be a leader and not to be a boss. You have well defined the meaning of discipline into behaviour management.
The highlighted points on impulse control, agreement of behaviour – an excellent idea is been given on how violence can be get rid with a simple solution of having a conflict resolution agreement, how we can identify and measure if misbehaviour in a child repeats, and how a positive behaviour management can foster the emotional, logical thinking by nurturing.
As a Parenting Guru, an educationalist, a teaching expert, a kiducational curriculum maker..... Your blogs always gives us a complete knowledge of the topic you chose.
Finally you ending sentence from the blog “Adults should remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour”, gives us a complete sight of an adult role.

Bhusawal PJK said...

This is the most common problem faced by parents and teachers complaining that their children don't listen to them.Being a mother of two kids I have always faced this problem and ended up saying that "why does my child not listen to me". This article will surely help parents and teachers in understanding the children and their behaviour and how we can modify our kids behaviour.

Megha Raje Bhosale said...

This blog teaches us that before teaching the children about behavior management , it is very important for the adults ( parents and teachers ) to understand this and know how to resolve the conflicts between the children .

Uma Nagdeo said...

Most of the mothers and teachers complaint that children don't listen to them but after reading the above article will surely make them to understand that children don't misbehave but we misinterpret their behaviour and conflict resolution is the best technique for behaviour management.

shilpa said...

Best guidance in this wonderful article if a child is feeling uneasy in his life when parents give them yes we are there for you and make them feel comfortable by giving solutions ,using positive language and allow them to grow free so as per the more the pre frontal cortex develops, the better will be the logic, reasoning, attention, focus in children as said .

Usha Bhagat said...

Thank You Ma'am for guiding and enriching us with the valuable information about conflict resolution. This article teaches us as adults we should bring change in our mind set about children's behavior before expecting change in children. The steps for conflict resolution will indeed help children in understanding the situation and act accordingly which will inturn help in child's brain development.

PJK Koradi said...

Yes, most of the times parents and teachers complaint that kids don’t listen to them. Being a mother of two kids I am also facing such problem. So first we need to understand the reason behind this. It’s true that children do not misbehave actually we misinterpret their behavior. Really this article will help everyone to understand child’s needs and of course conflict resolution is the best technique for behavior management. Thank you so much for sharing an important article.

kamal said...

Wonderful article which guides us that as parents and teachers we need to be leaders, we need to be a guide, support to the children and not a boss. Always encourage positive behaviour, and need to remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour.

jayshree shah said...

chilldren do not misbehave we misinterpret their behavior as an adult we fail to understand them , your article will guide line how to use conflict resolution and to understand why child misbehave.
Games like red light & Simon says really helps children to develop impulse control.Teachers are making children play these games to develop their impulse control.Thanks for wonderful article.

Shefali Singh said...

thank you maam for your invaluable guidance.

PJK Patiala said...

When the child throws tantrums we ,generally, get bothered and sometimes even frustrated. But through this article a very strong message is conveyed that in such situations we must learn to handle ourselves and the child as well.Thank you madam for, once again,giving us full and complete knowledge on the topic.

PJK Patiala said...
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Pjk Bengaluru CBSE said...

We are learning more about the children's phyche through this blog, as we are facilitators or guides for the generation next, where every behavior of the children has to be moulded with care, children being very sensitive. Thanks to Swati Ma'am, for educating us....

namrata singh said...

Very true Ma'am.It is the most common complain of most of teachers and parents being a mother I also complain about the same.We have to learn to tackle each child differently.Thank you Ma'am for your valuable guidance.

Ma Vishala said...

Great article! Gave such a deep insight on dealing with kids especially when they are throwing tantrums...Again, this is also what I learnt through Nithyananda Parenting...When kids are throwing tantrum, give your space of listening, your listening will bring the child back to child space and he'll start listening...Thanks...You can know more about Nithyananda Parenting here: https://www.facebook.com/NithyanandaParenting...

Snehal N said...



It's very true ma'am as a parents & teacher your guidelines help us. This article help parents & teachers to understand kids behavior & become more fiendishly with them.

Jumbo Kids Akola said...

This is the complain which always parents and teachers have, the solutions given are really helpful. Thank you Ma'am for providing such knowledgeable guidance.

Manju Joshi said...

I agree to the blog and democratic parenting style is recommended, rather than the authoritarian style with which most of us grew up. We learn to be obedient “or else.” Discipline was imposed from without rather than allowed to grow from within. Threats, bribes or withdrawal of privileges were expected to make us comply with our parents' wishes. To be consistent with the “discipline” used in the classroom the parenting style at home should emphasize respect for the child’s feelings, choices within acceptable limits, encouragement, conflict resolution, and natural and logical consequences for behavior.

Mentor Dolly said...

If the tool mentioned in the article will be used by teachers and parents for a behavior modification and child are well understood of their behavior then no long we will have to teach children value they will be caught and will be well assimilated.

Jumbo kids Latur said...

Kids use their behavior to show how they are feeling and what they are thinking. Often, they are communicating something through their behavior that they aren’t necessarily able to verbalize.

Kids learn how to behave by watching others. Whether they see a peer at school misbehave or they’re copying something they’ve seen on TV, kids will often repeat it.

It is important to limit what children are exposed to. Monitor what your child watches on TV, plays for video games. Role model healthy behavior to teach the child the appropriate way to behave in various situations.

The way given in the article is really useful for all the teachers and parents.

pjkparbhani said...

Valuable learning from article.
We should remember children are able to focus only one thing at a time and it takes time to work out kid's emotions. I learn very important thing that we should not react to kid's misbehavior with our own.

Aur.harsultpoint Pjk said...

This article will definetly help the teachers as well as parents.Children never misbehave, we the adults misintripate their behavoiur.

Indu Chanda said...

"My child does not listen to me" we know but why he does not listen to me we seldom try to find out.

Hence misinterpretations. In Jumbo Kids we practice behaviour management and not disciplining. This ma'am was a much needed guidance for all teachers and parent. Thank you.

Rajkot Jumbo Kids said...
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Rajkot Jumbo Kids said...
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Rajkot Jumbo Kids said...
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Rajkot Jumbo Kids said...
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Rajkot Jumbo Kids said...

Thank you Ma'am for sharing such wonderful blog it will be really very helpful for me and my teachers.

PJK Vadgaonsheri 2 said...

It is so very true that children do not misbehave but we misinterpret their behavior. As ma'am said that mothers and teachers try to be bosses and not leaders. I totally agree with it.
After reading this article i really feel that all the mothers and teachers should read and implement it. Thank you for guiding us at each and every step by sharing your wonderful blogs.

Jumbo Kids Nashik said...

Thank you ma'am for sharing this informative article.