My good friend and
parenting expert from UK, Sue Atkins rightly compared the Brexit experience to
that of divorce, the trauma will be similar for the young. This prompted me to
write this blog as impact of divorce is quite traumatic on the entire family.
And so just like Brexit the elders need to think before making any exit
decision.
If you Google search,
‘impact of divorce on children’ you will come across an interesting report- The
long-term impact of divorce on children, a 25 year study by Judith and Julia.
And there is also an insightful article by Lauren Hansen, ‘9 negative effects
divorce reportedly has on children’. One of the shocking negative effects
mentioned in this article is ‘an early death’, this is proved in an eight-decade
study and book called the Longevity
Project by Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin and it states, ‘that children of
divorced families died on an average almost five years earlier than children
whose parents did not divorce.’
Divorce is for many couples
inevitable, for some unavoidable and for many the only option available. It is
not important why the divorce happens but it is definitely important to
understand how the divorce is handled and after the divorce how the couple
looks after the well being of their children at any cost.
In Brexit it is believed
that the elderly took this mammoth decision that the young will have to bear
the consequences of. Well, it is similar in a divorce too, the young children
are never part of the decision, and they just bear the brunt of it. Loss, change,
and conflict are the worse traumatic experiences for children and adolescents,
and divorce has all three. Moving to a different house, a different school, and
a new name, not being able to see both parents together. And for some children,
they end up blaming themselves for the divorce. Boys become more aggressive and
tend to rebel and girls withdraw and show signs of anxiety. Research also shows
that girls tend to become sexually active at a younger age.
Well, for couples that are
going through a bitter divorce here are five things to keep in mind-
1.
Why
should divorce be bitter? You are parting ways, do it peacefully. Bitter was
your experience of staying together, right? Now part ways amicably.
2.
‘Children
first’ should be the motto of every divorce. No dirty fights or arguments in
front of the children. And if children are at an age that they can understand
then it is important that things are discussed with them and they should be
made to feel secure. Remember, parting of any kind is traumatic for children
and this is a difficult parting where a child is witnessing the parting of the
two most important people in his/her life.
3.
Don’t
use the children as a pawn to get back at each other. It hurts! And the pain,
bitterness, and trauma is not something children get over easily.
4.
Important
to also remember that you are divorcing your partner, divorce happens between
husband and wife and not between parents and children. Be understanding in
deciding visitation rights. Be fair to your children.
5.
Insecurity
leads to loss of self-esteem and that leads to depression, so ensure that your
child does not feel insecure about the future.
If you have not yet decided
about divorce and you are thinking of ending your relationship then first think
of these 3 points-
1.
Is
divorce really the solution? Or will you then regret it? Think of the long-term
consequences before you take the step.
2.
Have
you tried couples counseling? It helps.
3.
If
you don’t have kids and are in a rocky marriage then refrain from having them
just yet. Many people think that having kids will save the marriage, it only
complicates things for the child.
Brexit will take a lot of
time and effort for everyone concerned to come to grips with the reality that
things have changed and drastically. Identity has changed, laws will change and
if not careful then people will change, their attitudes will change and their
tolerance will change to. Keep this in mind for divorce too, handle it carefully.
