Naughty or Aggressive ?
When I was a preschool teacher, all the
‘naughty’ children were put in my class! And I loved to have them, because I
would try and solve the mystery of each child’s ‘naughtiness’. Today ‘naughty’
children are called ‘aggressive’. Any child is labeled aggressive, if the child
cannot sit straight while you are telling a story- aggressive! If the child
cannot share- aggressive! If the child pushes someone in the park- aggressive!
It is important that parents and teachers
understand child development because then they would know what behavior is age
appropriate and what needs to be looked into for modification. For example when
children in the ages of 2 to 4 years push someone, it is because they lack
impulse control and cannot wait for their turn. By age 5 children have learnt
social manners and have an understanding of ‘not to hurt others’. So when a 3
year old pushes we need to handle it differently, from when a 5 year old or an
8 year old pushes.
Children get aggressive for many reasons, but
the two most important reasons are lack of attention and too much attention.
When a child feels ignored a child usually reacts aggressively. When a child is spoilt, then the child wants
attention all the time and when that attention is divided or late in coming the
child reacts aggressively. It important for adults to make a distinction
between the two as the first one needs
love and the second one needs firmness.
Signs of aggression-
·
moodiness
·
depression
·
inability or disinterest in
activities and people
·
not looking at you when you talk
to them
Acts of aggression-
·
shouting, screaming.
·
Pushing others.
·
Hitting and harming others or
oneself.
·
Running around, jumping, swinging
things, throwing things.
We had
a child in one of our schools that would
come to the class and climb the shelves and sit there. No amount of cajoling
would bring him down. If brought down the child would walk around hitting and
punching other children. Sometimes we would feel he is better off on the shelf!
But then other children want to sit on the shelf, so this had to be
sorted. We asked the teacher to start
shadowing the child by holding his hand and gently pulling him away when he
would try to reach for another child. Everyday as he would enter the class the teacher
would greet him and take him aside and high five him, and reaffirming about
2 important rules- “we don’t sit on the shelf and we don’t hurt others”. Then
she would follow him around by holding his hand. At the end of the day she
would tell him what he did well and where he can be better. The child was 3
years old. After 15 days of this, slowly she did not have to hold his hand, she
involved him in activities like helping pick up toys or take things from one
side of the class to the other. But she noticed that every time his father came
to drop him (which was once in 15 days) the child would be too aggressive on
those days. Then we found the cause, the
father before dropping him would say, ‘don’t be naughty in school or I will not
take you out’. We realized that the father was giving negative
reinforcement and so we spoke to the father to change his words to , ‘ have fun
in school and I will pick you up after school, daddy loves you’
The aggression stopped and the child is well
settled now.
Here are
some pointers to monitor and change
aggressive behavior
1.
From when
did these start? A new baby? A change in the family? A new
teacher? Too many milestones together? - like toilet training, eating on their
own, brushing their teeth, going to daycare. If too many emotionally draining
milestones were clubbed together then the child will naturally always feel
overwhelmed and thus may resort to aggressive behavior often from stress.
2.
How did you
handle the first aggression and how are you handling it now? Most
parents handle the first few aggressions with ease, by either being kind to the
child or laughing it off, but as the frequency increases they tend to change
and it is this change that frustrates the child. So be consistent in your way
of handling every aggression and
meltdown.
3.
Is the child
aggressive only with you or with everyone? This can be because of
three reasons-
a.
You may not be giving her choices and so she
wants her way – power struggle. So give some choices, like for choosing clothes
to wear, the closet is off limits but put three dresses on the bed and have her
choose what to wear, this will help you ‘maintain control’ and also give the
child the required choice to feel independent and in control.
b.
Mothers usually like to maintain a routine that
is good for children but others may not be so strict with her so she perceives
you as the ‘only’ person who ‘makes’ her do things. So talk to the other family
members to maintain some consistency.
c.
You may unknowingly not be paying her attention
when ‘she’ wants. So analyze and work on it. Remember for children even
negative attention is good.
4.
Check how
much time you spend with her, is it enough? Kids need 20 minutes
of our undivided attention (at least 6 times a day!) but sometimes we end up
being on the phone or checking mails or cooking when we are supposed to be
giving them our undivided attention.
5.
Do you
communicate or instruct? Check your conversations throughout the day
are they more instructions and questions? Then you need to give her more time
to talk and communicate.
6. If you find that nothing works and your
child is just a ‘drama queen’ or
‘meltdown king’ then refrain from labeling them as such. Because when you call
them by these names you are opening them up to ridicule and confusing them,
which adds more fuel to their already fragile emotions.
9 ways
to handle aggressive behavior-
1.
Walking away does not help as it teaches your
child that when someone is upset, walk away.
2.
So during an aggressive tantrum or a meltdown just sit there quietly
till it wears out, or give your child a tight hug and keep hugging till she
quiets down. Say words like, ‘There, there, I understand’ or just a simple
‘hmmm.’ Ensure that your child is not going to hurt herself or others, if you
think she will then just hold her tightly from behind, close to your body.
3.
Reasoning with them during an aggressive
meltdown is foolish because during aggressive behavior the pre frontal cortex
or the thinking brain has shut down and the primitive brain has taken over
which has only 4 responses, fight, flight, flock or freeze. Talk to them and
reason with them afterwards or when you are having a happy moment with them.
4.
If your child has the aggressive meltdown at a public place then just ride it
out with a smile on your face for that irritating passerby who glares at you
just shrug your shoulder and say, ‘ Bear
with it dear, remember this planet also has kids’. Don’t look embarrassed, as
that is the fuel to your toddlers’ public aggression.
5.
Do not lose your temper,
aggression does not respond to anger. Do not lock the child, threaten, or tease
the child about the behavior.
6.
If the child is being physical,
hold the child firmly so the child cannot hurt itself or others.
7.
If the child is screaming and
shouting, stand there, ignore and look firmly at the child, till the child
stops, or else pick up the child from behind and take the child to another
room.
8.
Once the child has calmed down,
sit with the child, put your arm around the child, and ask the child what went
wrong? how can you help?
9.
Make rules for the child, an
agreement between you, and the child about what is not acceptable and
compliment the child when it achieves it. Change will be slow but with
consistency and persistence it happens.
Remember not to focus on the aggressive
behavior but to focus on the cause of the aggressive behavior.
Dr. Swati Popat Vats
