do children misbehave, or do we?

In today’s world teachers and mothers need to be leaders and not bosses. In Piaget’s words they must work for the goal of ‘autonomy’ (intelligent and ethical decision making) rather than obedience.

 

There should be no such thing as ‘discipline’; it should be behavior management or modification. Discipline, is fixed, like in the army, but behavior can vary and with it varies the methods of handling misbehavior. 

 

Children in the first 6 years lack impulse control, they react without thinking.  Impulse control is developed with the growth in the pre frontal cortex, so the more the prefrontal cortex develops, the better will be the logic, reasoning, attention, focus in children. Play games to develop impulse control, simple games like ‘Simon says’, ‘Red light, Green light’, all develop impulse control. In Simon says, child has to concentrate and wait for the word ‘Simon’ to do the action, so he controls his impulse to do the action, until he hears the word.

 

After the age of 6 behavioral problems continue sometimes because kids lack self control. It is important to understand that- 

 

·         Children are able to focus only on one thing at a time. And so during a tantrum they are unable to see the other point of view.

·         They are unable to figure out the impact of their actions on others in a logical way.

·         Kids have a hard time working out how to get from one state of affairs to another. So it takes them time to work out their emotions. 

 

The best time to change children’s behavior is not during a tantrum, as the brain is in a shut down mode during a tantrum.  It is often when children are not in the heat of a tantrum that they are best able to think and learn about it.

It would be ideal to have an agreement of behaviour both at home and school- rule # 1 should be, ‘hitting and hurting is not allowed and so we will use words instead.’  Show kids a socially accepted avenue to show their anger and frustration; don’t stop them from experiencing these emotions.  Use sentences like,’ I know you are angry because I did not give you the toy, but instead of beating me, you can beat the pillow’. Don’t react to kid’s misbehavior with your own, if we are telling children, not to hit others when they are angry, then how can we hit them when we are angry? 

 

Any form of whacking or smacking is still child abuse. You may justify spanking by saying you love your child and want him to improve but you are only teaching the child that hitting is a form of showing love, and they will then grow up accepting violence and violent people. Domestic violence stems from such childhood experiences. Children who are smacked associate love and violence to be the same and so they turn violent or accept violence towards themselves.

What works is conflict resolution. Conflict resolution can be taught in the following steps-

1.     Seeking help- by calling for an adult or going to an adult and informing him that someone is troubling him. Here adults need to understand that this is not tattling and the child should not be blamed for coming for help as this is the first step of conflict resolution, when the child’s efforts at this step fails then he ‘fails’ to believe in any kind of resolution and will then resort to violence.

2.     Taking turns or sharing- an important social skill that is needed to survive with friends and siblings and children should be motivated and complimented for doing it.

3.     Using language instead of hands- teaches children to talk about their needs, their likes and dislikes. Teach them to communicate it to their friends and siblings. ‘Please don’t push my toys’, please don’t push me, you are hurting me’. Etc

4.     Teach children to walk away- a very important technique which can be very helpful when dealing with bullies, instead of standing and arguing or appealing to the bully, walk away from him.

5.     Discussing and planning with adults- telling the parents about a certain bully or how some of her friends tease her etc. then the parents can sit with the child and help her plan what to do and when. This helps the child understand that there is always a way out of the problem and also helps her self esteem and confidence as she is assured in the safe feeling that her parents are there for her.

 

For repeated instances of misbehaviour, it is important to see children who experience repeated serious conflict not as problem children but as children with problems who need guidance.

So try the following- 

n  Identify and specify instances of misbehavior

n  Observe what happens before and after the behavior

n  Measure how often it happens

n  How long does it last

n  Find a pattern in the behavior

n  Bring about the Change and implement it.

n  Continue measuring the behavior

n  Every time the child exhibits the new behavior, Encourage new behavior.

 

How we modify our kids behaviour when they are at their most vulnerable has a tremendous impact on their personality, coping skills and our dreams for them. When we believe in positive behaviour management it fosters emotional growth and logical thinking is nurtured. They learn about cause and effect, they learn to trust adults and respect and love themselves.

 

Adults should remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour.

 

 

Child care should not become a curse for young children

As reported in today’s Mumbai Mirror by Jyoti Shelar (21^st September 2013, One year old with brain injury responding after 6 months of treatment) shaking young children can spell disaster for young children’s growing brains. A one year old baby has suffered neurological damage and has to undergo surgery due to alleged shaking of the child at her day care. What is even more appalling is that the child was handed over to the parent in an unconscious state and reason given was, ‘we thought the child is feeling very sleepy today’.

The above incidence draws light on the much needed training that care givers should have before they are put in charge of young children. A day care especially should train their staff in maintaining  every day charts of babies sleep and eating patterns. In fact in many countries like Canada, day care centers also have to maintain a record of the ‘potty’ of young babies, citing the color, quantity and consistency.

Care givers at day cares should receive training about the age group that they would be handling. With more and more working parents depending on daycares for babies as young as 3 months, it becomes imperative that parents choose wisely and companies must provide day care for employees in their premises. Here are some things to be alert and aware about the care of young babies.

Shaken Baby Syndrome is the cause of many deaths and harms the young brain- Parenting is not easy. Parents need to be honored for this lifelong commitment they make and at times a parent can lose their cool and end up hitting or shaking their kids. Shaken Baby Syndrome is the cause of many deaths and can also can harm to the brain as shaking may cause your baby’s brain to swell, bleed or bruise. Shaken baby syndrome can be caused in the following ways-

1.     Throwing your baby in the air while playing.

2.     Not strapping your baby in a baby car seat while travelling with baby in car. The quick succession brakes, potholes, bumps can all cause damage.

3.     Taking the young baby on dizzy rides or roller coasters.

4.     Shaking the baby in anger.

5.     In many instances slapping the baby too hard across the face.

Be careful that the daycare/playschool or home nanny is aware of the above and does not practice these incorrect methods.

One of the mistakes the daycare in this case made is in assuming that the child was just sleeping a lot whereas the child was unconscious. Parents and daycares must know how much sleep does a child require and at what age and should maintain a sleep log for each child. So how much sleep do young children require? It differs from child to child but given here are some guidelines –

·         Age 1-4 weeks                                                                                                                             Sleep : 15 to 16 hours a Day

·         Newborns typically sleep in two to four hour blocks both during the night and day. They are yet to establish their internal biological clock

·         Age    : 1-4 months

·         Sleep : 14 – 15 hours a day

·         Usually able to sleep once for six hours in a row.

·         Age : 4 – 12 months

·         Sleep : 14 – 15 hours per day

·         2 – 3 naps. Can sleep through the night by age 6 months  

·         Age : 1 – 3 years

·         Sleep: 12 – 14 hours per day.

·         Toddlers usually lose that second nap. Nap can be 1 – 3.5 hours. Their nap is anywhere from 1 to 3 ½ hours long. 

·         Age : 3 – 6 years

·         Sleep: 10 – 12 hours per day.

·         At three, most children still take naps, by 5 most no longer nap.

Another important danger to young babies is SIDS - Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The safest position to put young babies to sleep is on their back. Keep the following in mind and ensure at the day care too-

1.     Babies placed on their stomachs to sleep are at greater risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). 

2.      Place infants on their backs for sleep.

3.     Provide a firm crib covered by a sheet.

4.     Keep pillows and stuffed toys out of the crib.

5.     Make sure the sleeping area is a comfortable temperature to keep infants from becoming overheated.

6.     That is why we must respect the Indian cradle made of cloth, it not only takes the baby’s body shape, but keeps baby safe from SIDS and gives baby the feeling of being safe and coddled just like in the uterus. So time to bring back the Indian cloth cradle

Yet another danger that parents and daycares need to be aware about and watch for is that touch should not become trouble for young children.

Touch is essential to babies' sensory-motor development, and has a positive impact on their physical growth, emotional well-being, cognitive potential, and health. Up to five years of age, young children's touch sensitivity remains more on the face than on their hands. And so it is important that adults don’t pinch, slap or harm kids on their faces.

Young babies thrive on touch and seek it everywhere and from everyone so it becomes imperative for adults to save them from bad touch from adults. Bad touch in the form of physical abuse and sexual abuse are all to be careful about. Start talking to kids about good and bad touch as early as possible

Effective Parenting for Young Babies

This blog is dedicated to parents of infants especially in the age group of 6 to 9 months who are an active part of my blog.

During this period your baby will be able to –

·         Identify Sounds: will turn and look at you as you approach or talk

·         Produce Sounds: like cooing or babbling.

·         Starts Interacting:  appearance of social smile and like to interact

·         Starts paying attention : to toys and words or songs

·         Rolling Over: from the back to the stomach

·         Grasping and Banging:  loves to grasp objects, hold one in each hand and sometimes even bangs them together.

So here are some terms for parents to remember and use in daily parenting with infants –

·         Reciprocity-  This is the period of the onset of social smiling, which means your baby now consciously smiles to get your attention or to engage you, it is important to remember and practise reciprosity in all your daily interactions with baby. Talk or coo to your baby and then pause and give a chance for your baby to respond. Sometimes it will be with a smile, or cooing and babbling. Reciprocity will be the foundation of social development for your baby.

·         Tummy time –we tend to keep babies on the bed or cot or baby bags, but we must give tummy time to the baby too. So place your baby on its tummy often during play time. Remember sleep on the back and play on the tummy. Putting your baby to sleep on the back is important from the point of view of SIDS- sudden infant death syndrome, in baby cots. That is why I love the Indian cradle made of cloth, it not only takes the baby’s body shape, but keeps baby safe from SIDS and gives baby the feeling of being safe and coddled just like in the uterus. So time to bring back the Indian cloth cradle

·         Floor play- infants and kids today are spending more and more time in baby bags, feeding chairs etc, which needs to change.  Floor play helps infants move and touch freely and also gives them the necessary feeling of free movement which restrained chairs etc are unable to provide . This is beneficial for brain development and overall physical growth and will also improve your baby’s eating and sleeping cycle.

·         Face to face play- it is so tempting to leave babies to play with toys on their own, but at this crucial stage it is important that you engage your baby in face to face play, sing songs, peek a boo etc. This helps your baby bond with you, nurtures a sense of trust and communication in your baby.

·         Receptive and expressive vocabulary- your baby’s language development has two parts, first is receptive language skills which means before learning to talk your baby should be ‘talked to’ so your baby ‘receives’ language much more than your baby is able to express. How much your baby will talk and how early depends on the receptive language that your baby is exposed to. So talk, describe and engage your baby’s vocabulary development.

·         Grasping and releasing – before 6 months your baby’s grasping was almost reflexsive. Now there is focussed grasping of objects, though releasing will still be slightly primitive. So they might ‘dump’ objects instead of releasing them. So play games that help baby grasp and reach for objects. Give different objects and toys for baby to grasp. Remember not to push for handedness, many parents want the baby to use the right hand and so offer toys placed more towards the right side of the baby. Always place toys or hold out toys in the middle and let baby choose the hand to use.

·         Mouth the ‘lab’ of your little scientist – everything that your baby grasps will first land in your little scientists ‘lab’, the mouth! This is because the mouth of young babies has more sensory points then the hands or feet. So actually they feel with their mouths. Try not to stop them, instead choose toys that are safe, non toxic for your baby and help your baby to use the ‘lab’. Remember the brain thrives on sensory stimulation so the ‘lab’ is directly connected to brain growth.

Happy parenting.