When their
world comes crashing down…
More and more couples nowadays are facing issues in their
marriages and more marriages today are ending in separation or divorce. But
with so much of research available in the filed of early childhood care,
parents must ensure that broken relationships between parents do not end up
breaking the spirit, emotions or confidence of their children. This blog is
specially written to help parents that are going through a divorce/ separation,
to help them understand its impact on children.
Then there are those parents who are dealing with the death
of a partner or bringing up their children alone as the spouse is working
overseas. Preparing yourself to become a single parent…
It is not the divorce or separation that impacts children
as much as the stress related to it. For example, a child today is quite used
to not seeing the dad as often because of his hectic work schedule or travel
schedule; but in a divorce or separation, the stress of the tense relationship
between the parents, the mother’s angst, anxiety and depression and sometimes
both parents asking the child to keep away from the other or keep secrets from
the other parent, all lead to stress. The stress is quite destructive
emotionally, socially, and cognitively.
For decades, research (as revealed from the work of
Christina Nigrelli and Carolyn Brennan of Zero to Three USA) has demonstrated
the importance of early relationships and experiences on the healthy
development of infants and toddlers.
More recently, neuroscience has allowed us to see the impact of
positive, nurturing experiences on brain development. When parents provide
stable and nurturing relationships they are promoting Infant and Early
Childhood Mental Health (I-ECMH). The field of I-ECMH approached social and emotional
health in the context of families and promoted the notion that development
occurs within the context of relationships.
It is through this lens that we are now beginning to understand the
impact of stress experienced by families going through a separation or divorce
on young children’s development.
To quote from the research and findings of I-ECMH- most
families experience some stress while raising very young children. How much stress they experience falls on a
spectrum from low levels of occasional stress (such as an argument between
parents) to chronic stress (parents separated, divorced, constant fighting,
asking child to take sides). Chronic
stress, also called toxic stress, is often associated with children when they
do not feel safe and nurtured. When
people experience stress or feel unsafe, their bodies respond by producing
increased levels of cortisol. For
adults, the increased levels of cortisol aids in a ‘fight or flight’ response
to stressful situations. In a young
child, increased levels of cortisol can get in the way of optimal brain
development.
I-ECMH specialists have also learned that stress
experienced by adults can negatively affect the adult-child relationship. The way that adults respond to their own
stress influences the way they interact with young children. They may, for example, talk less with the
child, or have decreased positive interactions.
This is important because early interactions shape early brain
architecture and influence ongoing development. Children may respond to stress
by crying, moving away from parents, or clinging to a particular parent,
grandparent, teacher and not wanting to let go.
This can establish a difficult pattern as the child’s challenging behaviors
can add to the stress that the parent or parents are already feeling.
So age does not matter; a separation or divorce not handled
well by the family can harm children as young as infants and as old as
teenagers.
More and more parents today are going through divorce or
separation and are not seeking help at the right time; help could be a family
discussion, couple counseling etc. In our Jumbo Kids Kindergartens, when we ask
children to draw their parents or family; their drawings depict the stress that
many of these children are experiencing at home, the constant squabbles, fights
and arguments. Sometimes, open fist fights between mother and father or other
family members over who will pay the child’s school fees leave a negative
impact on school going children. What compounds the problem is the tug-of-war
that parents have about the child and her/his custody. Schools and daycares
play an important role in this, as teachers are the second most important
‘people’ in a child’s life after the parents.
10 things every parent can do to
ensure that mental and emotional health of their children is safeguarded during
a divorce or separation.
1.
Remember that it is a divorce of
the husband and wife and not of the father and mother of the child. You entered
into a formal marriage relationship, so you can break it with a divorce, but
parenting is something that cannot be, and should not be undone by any law in
the world.
2.
Recognize signs in your
relationship of strain between you and your partner and consciously work
towards conflict resolution and as much as possible not aim for a break up.
3.
Ensure that the stress is not
transmitted to the child. So talk to your children by giving an example about
how friends or siblings fight or argue and things are then resolved; that is
what mummy and daddy are doing.
4.
Allow children to ask questions and
give relevant answers. Do not avoid questions, as it will be more dangerous for
the child’s mental health if the child comes to know about it from a person
other than the parents.
5.
Resist making your child the bargaining
point of your separation; legal battles are fine but the child should not feel like
it is being treated as in a ‘passing the parcel’.
6.
Most children end up thinking that
the parents are breaking up because of them; so it is important to reassure
children that it had nothing to do with them but it was an issue only between
the parents.
7.
Children feel stressed about the
future; so ensure that you reassure them that they will be safe and always
loved by both the father and the mother, even if the parents are separated and
not living together.
8.
In cases where the wife was beaten,
abused etc., it is important that the child is assured that the mother will be
safe.
9.
Avoid asking the child to keep
secrets from the other parent as this increases the stress.
10.
Always keep the school and teacher
informed, as changes in the child’s behaviour will occur and understanding
these changes will help the school take appropriate steps instead of
aggravating the situation and adding stress at school too.
When a death of a parent occurs, children go through the
same stress, especially because the living parent is undergoing stress. Counseling
helps, even family counseling which means being there for the child, and creating
a safe and nurturing daily routine for the child.
The best way to talk about death to a child is relating it
to nature; how a plant grows and then withers away, so things are born, and
they become old and do die. Answer as much as the child asks; if children ask a
question, it means the brain and emotions are now ready for it. Do not lie that
the parent who has passed away will come back; this creates a false hope and
then reduces the trust between you and your child. Children need a father and a
mother and in the absence of any one of them or both, they can be given a
father like/mother like figure. Some times aunts, uncles, or grand parents take
on the role, which is fine as long as the emotional health of the child is
nurtured.
In my weekly parent counseling sessions, many single
parents ask me, ‘Should we remarry?’Of course a parent should remarry, why not?
All that needs to be done is to ensure that the partner you are now marrying
has spent time with your children and you have spoken to your children about the
relationship and marriage. There will be resistance from your children in some
cases; it has to be handled with care and understanding. The fairy tales that
we expose children to right from birth, again add to the problem as a stepmother
and stepfather already have a horrible reputation and children relate to it. Avoid
referring to the new parent as a stepparent. Ensure that your immediate family
circle, friends, are also taken into confidence and do not end up giving
incorrect information.
Details, information, and questions in these delicate
relationship based matters should be answered only by parents or trusted
adults.
In many cases I have met mothers who are married, happily
married, but are struggling to bring up their children and feel like a single
parent. Reason- the husband works overseas and so the mother is bringing up the children on her own.
When one parent is away due to professional reasons-
1.
Ensure that you talk about or refer
to the other parent as much as possible during the day.
2.
Ensure that you use video chatting
with your children.
3.
Post photos and share with kids so
that they do not lose touch.
4.
Refrain from using the parent who
is away as a tool for disciplining the child, e.g., ‘Daddy won’t come back if
you don’t listen to me.’
5.
Do not indulge in guilt parenting
once you are back; allowing the child to run riot with all rules, breaking all
barriers, etc.
6.
Consciously avoid making children feel
that they are to be blamed for the parent having to work away from home; avoid
statements like- ‘To pay your school fees, daddy has to work hard and is away.’
etc.
7.
Ensure those important days like
annual concerts, sports day are all recorded, clicked, and shared with the
parent who is away.
8.
The parent who is away from home
should make it a point to refer to the photos when s/he next speaks to the
kids. This will reassure the children and make them feel safe and nurtured by
both parents.
Maslow’s hierarchy of
needs states that after water and food, safety and security is the prime need
of all human beings. We easily ensure that our kids never go thirsty or hungry;
it’s time we also ensured that they feel safe, nurtured and secure in the most
important relationship of their lives. This will lay the foundation for all
their future relationships.
