There is no such thing as ‘discipline’; it is behavior management or modification.

There is no such thing as ‘discipline’; it is behavior management or modification. Because discipline is fixed, like in the army, but behavior can vary and with it varies the methods of handling deviant behavior. The problem is that as adults we follow a strict policy with kids that says,’ Do as we say, not as we do’, and we forget that kids learn by imitation! So you can see mothers and teachers shouting at their kids and asking them to ‘be quiet’!

Yet another myth- Patience. You can’t have patience with kids, should not have, as there is no such thing as patience. Patience implies that you are ‘bearing with’ someone, instead of basing your discipline on patience base it on understanding. Because in patience you will control the child instead of guiding the child. So stop telling yourself, I need to be patient with my child, instead say have I understood what the child is actually trying to tell me with the behavior? Usually kids have lots to tell you, but do not have the supportive language development and so their boredom, frustration, anger comes out in behavioral problems. Show them a socially accepted avenue to show their anger and frustration, don’t stop them from experiencing these emotions, use sentences like,’ I know you are angry because I did not give you the toy, but instead of beating me, you can beat the pillow’.

Don’t react to kids misbehavior with your own, oh yes it happens. Let me tell you about this mother and child I watched at the check in  terminal of an airport (the best place that I watch kids interact with their parents!) a mother sitting in front of me had her 3 year old son sitting facing her on her lap. Both of them were engrossed in a beautiful interaction and bonding by singing nursery rhymes that the child must have learnt in his playschool. The mother’s mobile phone rang and mid sentence she picked up her cell and started talking to the other person. I could see the child’s face was disappointed, but the child waited patiently for a full minute( long time in a toddler’s world!) then started nudging the mother, ‘mummy’, ‘mummy’, mummy’ he went on quietly and patiently. No response from mummy, she was happily ignoring the child and chatting on the phone. Exasperated and irritated the child caught hold of the mothers chin and said, ‘mummy chalo na’, mummy just shook her head and carried on, to which; to my utter amazement the child slapped the mother! In reaction to which, to my utter horror, the mother slapped the child and the child starting bawling. Mother embarrassed, switched off the phone, and started cajoling the child, ‘I am so sorry beta’ etc etc out of guilt and embarrassment. The child refused to stop crying only increased the octaves of screaming! She bought a chocolate for the child and pacified the child.

So what went wrong in this beautiful interaction that was on between mother and child? How did a lovely singing bond end in this ‘free for all’?

Simple, the mother did not show respect for the child, when the mobile phone rang she should have either completed the song that they were singing and then picked up the phone or should have excused herself and told the child, I will take this call and then we will continue. And she should have known to recognize the signs of ‘final frustration’ that kids exhibit, which is ‘holding your chin and making you look at them’, when kids do this, they are serious, serious about throwing a full blown tantrum! Final mistake she made she answered a slap with a slap, isn’t that ‘do as we say and not as we do’? if we are telling kids that they must not hit when they are angry, then how can we hit when we are angry? And then buying a chocolate to pacify the child? Materialistic parenting, a no-no for healthy development of kids.

So respect children and watch for the impeding signs of tantrums and misbehavior. Catch them being good instead of punish them when bad.

Children in the first 6 years lack impulse control, which is why without thinking the little boy slapped his mother. Impulse control comes with the development of the pre frontal cortex, so the more the prefrontal cortex develops, the better will be the logic, reasoning, attention, focus in children. Play games to develop impulse control, simple games like ‘Simon says’, ‘red light, green light’, all develop impulse control. For example in ‘Simon says’, the child has to concentrate and wait for the word ‘Simon’ to do the action, so he controls his impulse to do the action, until he hears the word.

Punishment is a strict no-no. that is a traditional method, we need guidance, show the child where he went wrong and what he should have done instead- The difference between the two approaches is that traditional discipline criticizes children- often publicly- for unacceptable behaviors whereas guidance teaches children positive alternatives, what they can do instead.  

In today’s world teachers and mothers need to be leaders and not bosses. In Piaget’s words they must work for the goal of ‘autonomy’ (intelligent and ethical decision making) rather than obedience

According to behavioural expert and author ANNE COPLEY there are four zones that you should look out for in kid’s behaviour-

1.    Safe zone- when children feel wanted, secure, loved, their needs are met, they function in a safe zone and such children are happy, well adjusted and well behaved.

2.    Learning zone- when children experience safe zone, they are able to learn, explore, be creative, make decisions, choose, focus and this is the learning zone, they will be smarter and learn more.

3.    Anxiety zone- children who do not feel safe, secure, wanted and reassured are in the anxiety zone. Anxiety leads to irritation, frustration and anger. It is in this zone that they will start sending out signs and signals that tell you they are about to ‘let all hell loose’!

4.    Stress zone – when you are unable to read those signs and give them the required reassurance, help, guidance, they move into the stress zone, where all hell breaks loose.

It takes a lot of effort, learning, unlearning, guidance, love, time to bring a child from the stress zone to the safe zone. So ideally keep them in the safe and learning zone and never reach the anxiety zone.

Adults should remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour.

Why Should Children Not Be Interviewed

Are they applying for a job? If the answer is NO then why should we interview them?

In fact parents should be interviewing the school to find out whether the school will be suitable for their child.

 Does this kind of interviewing harm children?

Yes it does.

 First it creates a stress in the parent, the stress of ‘performance’ that my child must not fail. And so in their anxiety parents end up putting undue pressure on the child, start getting irritated with the child, get tense, worried and end up completely ‘anxiety ridden’

 Having an adult in this frame of mind especially an adult that is your mother or father can cause undue damage to the child’s emotional development and brain development. It can also harm the child’s social development.

 Let’s understand the emotional damage-

So what are the emotional development stages or growth that a preschooler goes through?

AGE	STAGE	STRENGTH DEVELOPED
0 TO 1 YEARS	TRUST V/S MISTRUST	HOPE
2 TO 3 YEARS	AUTONOMY V/S SHAME AND DOUBT	WILL POWER
4 TO 5 YEARS	INITIATIVE V/S GUILT	PURPOSE
6 TO 12 YEARS	INDUSTRY V/S INFERIORITY	COMPETENCE

As you can see above, most children of the age from 2 to 6 years are being interviewed and that is the age when hope, willpower, purpose and confidence are developed in the child.

So when you interview a 2 to 3 year old and the child  is unable to answer, he/she develops a sense of shame and doubt about his/her  own abilities, and  you end up hurting the child’s self worth for life

When you interview a 4 to 5 year old and the child is unable to answer he/she  develops a sense of guilt that ‘I let my parents down and I am worthless’,  and so this child will never take initiatives in life

When you interview a 6 years and above child and if the child is unable to answer he/she develops an inferiority complex and zero self worth.

How else does interviewing harm children?-

It makes the children scared, nervous, frightened, terrified, and edgy, all these are negative emotions and negative emotions bring to fore the ‘fight or flight’ tendency of the brain. So either the child feels like hiding behind the parent, or bawls his/her head off, or acts aggressive and throws a tantrum

Negative emotions also release ‘bad chemicals’ in the brain which affect learning and memory.

 This kind of unnerving experience also leaves a long lasting wound on the child’s personality and the child can get scared of meeting strangers, or learn to avoid going to places with the parent.

In many children the whole experience leads to nail biting, tantrums, upset tummy, fever and bed wetting. Nail biting and bed wetting are vicious cycles, once entered into can cause a long term burden on the child.

After Reading all the above should children be interviewed?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Here is a quote-

Sam Meisels (HEAD START PROGRAM) offers these tips-

·       Young children should never be challenged during assessments by being separated from their parents or familiar caregivers.

·        An unfamiliar examiner should never assess young children.

·    Assessments that are limited to areas that are easily measurable, such as certain motor or cognitive skills should not be considered complete.

·         Formal tests or tools should not be the cornerstone of an assessment of an infant or young child.

LETS JOIN HANDS AND BANISH ‘INTERVIEWS’ FROM THE LIVES OF PRESCHOOLERS, LETS INSTEAD START INTERVIEWING THE PEOPLE WHO ‘INTERVIEW’ KIDS, LETS FIND OUT WHY THEY DO IT. LETS WORK FOR HEALTHY PRECHOOL EDUCATION IN INDIA.

DO JOIN US ON www.eca-india.org

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking or I Didnt Understand

Unravelling the mystery of a healthy childhood.

Health is every one’s quest in life. Parents want to be healthy; they want their kids to be healthy. So is health all about food, exercise? Or is health a lifestyle that you teach your kids about?

The true secret of health and a healthy lifelong lifestyle is ‘keeping it simple’. We need to gift our kids simple everyday essential things to ensure that they remain healthy in mind, body and soul.

THE GIFT OF SIMPLE FOOD: The complexity of competition, stress, fast pace and chemical-laced lifestyle that we have got so used to giving our kids, needs to be shown the back door. When was the last time you really asked your child what he wants you to cook? And then actually gave him that without changing his choice to suit your convenience? Worried that your child will ask you for pizza? Great! Put on a chef’s cap for both of you—drag the dad if possible—wear an apron and start preparing a homemade pizza, with veggies, cheese, and wheat base.

Pack away all the excuses like- ‘I am a working mom’, ‘I don’t have time’, ‘My child does not like the food I cook’, ‘He loves packaged food’, ‘I don’t get time’ etc. This weekend cook a wholesome meal for your child, of his/her choice, with your child helping you if possible. Its okay if he/she drips, drops, spoils your million rupees designer kitchen! Then sit down and enjoy the meal together. See the smile spread on his/her face.

All that packaged food that we tend to give our children has additives and chemicals which are harmful for health. Moreover they have a higher salt content which can lead to early problems of high blood pressure and heart diseases. Scientific studies have shown that many of the additives can cause attention deficit problems and research on cancer has also shown that cancer cells thrive in conditions of high salt and sugar content.

THE SIMPLE GIFT OF WATER: Throw out all the soft drink, tetra juice packs and let your child drink water. Resist the urge to flavour it with sugar or additives. Just pure, simple, unadulterated water- the gift of a life time. Water has oxygen and oxygen is good for blood circulation and blood circulation keeps the brain alert and active. An active brain is good for intelligence. Intelligent children become achievers. Phew! Isn’t that what you want? Then stop listening to all those silly ads that claim that ‘this drink gives your child glucose’ and ‘this drink gives your child brain food’ etc, etc. Keep It Simple Silly. Drink water… together. It’s more fun!

THE SIMPLE GIFT OF PLAY: Buy your child toys, not gadgets! Yes, computer games, video games, even battery-operated toys are not toys. They are gadgets or rather monster toys. Why would you want to gift your child a monster? Your child is intelligent, active, sharp and can solve all video games? Then it means that your child needs toys that stimulate and challenge and as Vygotsky, the Russian educationist said, your child needs to reach ZPD - the Zone of Proximal Development.

Take your child to the next level of play, take him/her from what he/she can do to what he/she finds a challenge to do. This will stimulate interest, keep your child occupied, enhance thinking and problem solving and improve attention abilities and at the same time relax and calm your child. No video games can do all this. Video games teach children to win at any cost, to drive yourself to defeat others, kill others, destroy others. Video games make children aggressive, irritable and restless. Video games (computers, mobile games, play station all included) make children violent and more prone to stress-related diseases.

Keep It Simple Silly. This X’mas, gift your child toys: intricate jigsaws, board games, a cycle, a sports kit, a make-it-yourself kit. Don’t just buy… think, relate to your child’s interest, search and buy.

THE GIFT OF 'NO T.V. LAND': Analyse the kind of television programs

your child is watching with you. A serial in which the protagonist is being raped, sold to a brothel? A wife having an extra-marital affair or a wife plotting to kill her husband? Or worse, a husband plotting against his family, having a mistress…. God! Is this what our kids are watching? Night after night? Sitting with their parents? At an age when they cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy? All this will affect their emotional development.

As well known child psychoanalyst Erik Erikson had said in his theory of emotional development, ‘They will learn to mistrust, they will develop low self esteem and will also develop self-doubt’. Young children are developing moral values at that age and if they are exposed to such immoral and unethical concepts then what will happen to the ethical structure of society?

This weekend switch off the television. Ouch! Even the thought is difficult? Okay, then at least switch it off at dinner and together time. No television droning in the background while you help your child with homework, or are playing a board game. Take a pledge that no family drama soaps or reality shows that make children the ‘bali ka bakra’ will be viewed in your home. Can’t stay without it? Then buy a television system in which you can record programs and then watch them when your child is not at home! Keep It Simple Silly. Make your own entertainment.

THE GIFT OF 'SIMPLY SLEEP': ‘It’s time to go to bed,’ was what

traditional parents would say, and then the mother or father would bathe the child (a warm water bath helps relax muscles and relaxed children sleep faster) while talking to the child  about his/her day (bonding time with the parents helps the child develop positive self esteem)  put on fresh night clothes for the child, (fresh clothes help children relax, and helps the skin breathe) tuck him in bed, read him a story or sing him a lullaby and then as the child’s eyes slowly drooped shut, the parent would kiss them on the forehead, whisper complementary sentences like, my sweet girl, my brave boy, my good child etc (positive motivation just before bed time helps work on the child’s confidence and self esteem) and leave the child to sleep peacefully at nine o’clock at night! Sounds like a fantasy right? Do gift your child this fantasy instead of the horror of being told to ‘Go brush your teeth, while I watch this important serial’, ‘Now go and wear your pyjamas and come and sit with me on the sofa while I watch my favourite serial’ and then the child falls asleep on the sofa with a television set shrilling away violent dialogues or gory war images or sobs of soap heroines. This isn’t lovely background music for your child to sleep in. No wonder your child wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares or bed wets or has a fitful night and is dull or irritable in the morning and drowsy in school. Brain research says that sleep time is when the brain organises information collected in the daytime. When the child’s brain does not get enough sleep then the child can suffer from inability to retain facts, get confused, forget information easily and chronic sleep deprivation also leads to irritability violence and inattentiveness. Keep It Simple Silly - make your child a ‘sleeping beauty’!

So, when you gift wrap all these simple gifts together, then you will be gifting your child the most precious gift: A safe, healthy, love-filled childhood and a fantastic life ahead. If all these simple gifts sound difficult to do on a daily basis, then at least gift this to them on weekends!

Jumbo likes it Green.

 28^th July is World Nature Conservation Day. So what can kids do about it? Should it not be the responsibility of us adults? Yes it is, but maybe our generation is facing the devastation and depletion of natural resources because we took it for granted, we didn’t belong to nature and thus did not love it.

Jumbo Kids decided to take a leaf from the Te Whariki curriculum of the Government of New Zealand and instill the principles of Belonging, Family and Community, Contribution and Well Being in the celebration of World Nature Conservation day. We planned the celebrations to culminate on the 28^th of July so that children have a sense of and basic understanding about what conservation of nature means to them.

We love something when it belongs to us and when it belongs to us we love it enough to protect it. This is the principle of Belonging. Nature needs to belong to children so to get that sense of belonging each child adopted a tree/plant in the school, each child gave their chosen tree/plant a special name and will say hello everyday to that tree/plant. If the child notices that something is wrong with the tree/plant then the child will seek help of an adult and ensure that the tree is ‘well’ again. Here are some examples of names given by the kids-

·         Mera ped

·         Greeny

·         Tall man

·         Leafy

·         Cutie tree

·         Fresh leaves

One can imagine how the everyday early morning school coming will now have chants of Hello mera ped! Or Hello cutie tree! A daily connection with nature indeed is achieved. Parents do ask your child to adopt a tree at home too.

The principle of Community was instilled by a discussion in our junior kindergarten classes by our 4 to 5 year olds on what are we doing that harms nature and how we can stop it.

These are the points that emerged from their discussion-

1.    Many people are throwing rubbish everywhere, even near trees.

2.    No body waters the plants on the roads; they have to wait for rains.

3.    We hurt trees by hanging tyres on them!

4.    Birds cannot sleep on trees because there are lights on them at night.

5.    Some children pluck leaves! (Not them but some children!)

Sensitivity is the core result of this discussion as it was seen that empathy towards nature was instilled. For the part about how to stop it, it was surprising that most of them wanted to write to the PM about it and 48% wanted to call up Salman Khan (Sultan) to appeal to him to straighten up those who are harming nature! We then had a discussion on how we can peacefully achieve the same!

Parents, while travelling in the car with your child do start such insightful, thinking based conversations.

The principle of Well Being was instilled with a discussion among the senior kindergarteners, 5 to 6 year olds on the importance of leaves in the life of plants and humans. How do leaves keep us all healthy? The discussion ranged from ideas like-

1.    They are the food factory of the tree/plant

2.    We need them in our burgers!

3.    Dadi needs them for decorating the door.

4.    We need spinach to be strong like Popeye.

5.    Leaves call rain, my mummy said we have rain trees.

6.    They give us oxygen.

The discussion ended with the teacher asking, should we pluck leaves and the answer was unanimous, NO, it hurts the plant/tree.

Asking the children to think about how we can reduce the use of plastic developed the principle of Contribution. Many of them are going to appeal to their parents to stop using plastic bags and some are going to pester their parents about buying steel water bottles and snack boxes instead of plastic ones!

The choice given to our schools was simple, do art activities if they help children understand about loving nature or do such thinking activities. The goal is clear, let us help children fall in love with nature so that nature belongs to them and when they grow up they don’t have to work hard to save nature, as nature would already be safe because they love it and treasure it.

HAPPY WORLD NATURE CONSERVATION DAY.

TEAM PODAR JUMBO KIDS

Brexit and parenting!

My good friend and parenting expert from UK, Sue Atkins rightly compared the Brexit experience to that of divorce, the trauma will be similar for the young. This prompted me to write this blog as impact of divorce is quite traumatic on the entire family. And so just like Brexit the elders need to think before making any exit decision.

If you Google search, ‘impact of divorce on children’ you will come across an interesting report- The long-term impact of divorce on children, a 25 year study by Judith and Julia. And there is also an insightful article by Lauren Hansen, ‘9 negative effects divorce reportedly has on children’. One of the shocking negative effects mentioned in this article is ‘an early death’, this is proved in an eight-decade study and book called  the Longevity Project by Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin and it states, ‘that children of divorced families died on an average almost five years earlier than children whose parents did not divorce.’

Divorce is for many couples inevitable, for some unavoidable and for many the only option available. It is not important why the divorce happens but it is definitely important to understand how the divorce is handled and after the divorce how the couple looks after the well being of their children at any cost.

In Brexit it is believed that the elderly took this mammoth decision that the young will have to bear the consequences of. Well, it is similar in a divorce too, the young children are never part of the decision, and they just bear the brunt of it. Loss, change, and conflict are the worse traumatic experiences for children and adolescents, and divorce has all three. Moving to a different house, a different school, and a new name, not being able to see both parents together. And for some children, they end up blaming themselves for the divorce. Boys become more aggressive and tend to rebel and girls withdraw and show signs of anxiety. Research also shows that girls tend to become sexually active at a younger age.

Well, for couples that are going through a bitter divorce here are five things to keep in mind-

1.    Why should divorce be bitter? You are parting ways, do it peacefully. Bitter was your experience of staying together, right? Now part ways amicably.

2.    ‘Children first’ should be the motto of every divorce. No dirty fights or arguments in front of the children. And if children are at an age that they can understand then it is important that things are discussed with them and they should be made to feel secure. Remember, parting of any kind is traumatic for children and this is a difficult parting where a child is witnessing the parting of the two most important people in his/her life.

3.    Don’t use the children as a pawn to get back at each other. It hurts! And the pain, bitterness, and trauma is not something children get over easily.

4.    Important to also remember that you are divorcing your partner, divorce happens between husband and wife and not between parents and children. Be understanding in deciding visitation rights. Be fair to your children.

5.    Insecurity leads to loss of self-esteem and that leads to depression, so ensure that your child does not feel insecure about the future.

If you have not yet decided about divorce and you are thinking of ending your relationship then first think of these 3 points-

1.    Is divorce really the solution? Or will you then regret it? Think of the long-term consequences before you take the step.

2.    Have you tried couples counseling? It helps.

3.    If you don’t have kids and are in a rocky marriage then refrain from having them just yet. Many people think that having kids will save the marriage, it only complicates things for the child.

Brexit will take a lot of time and effort for everyone concerned to come to grips with the reality that things have changed and drastically. Identity has changed, laws will change and if not careful then people will change, their attitudes will change and their tolerance will change to. Keep this in mind for divorce too, handle it  carefully. 

What Maria Montessori recommends for teaching writing skills…

“…Education is not something which the teacher does, but a natural process which develops spontaneously in the human being. It is not acquired by listening to words, but in the virtue of experience in which the child acts on his environment. The teacher’s task is not to talk, but to prepare and arrange a series of motives for cultural activity in a special environment made for the child.”- Maria Montessori

Let us Correlate Maria Montessori’s philosophy to foster the writing skills in a child:

 The 3 parts of process of learning and the five steps to learning

According to Maria Montessori, the process of learning has three parts:

1. the brain,
2. the senses and
3. the muscles

All the above three mentioned must cooperate for learning to take place. So teachers must let the children see-do and learn rather than explain and learn.

“ Immense strain that we impose upon the children when we set them to write directly  without a previous motor education of the hand.”- Maria Montessori

In the Montessori Method there are two exercises connected to writing- How to hold the implement and How to form the alphabet and many of the didactic equipment used in the Montessori system contribute to this motor development for instance, the rough and smooth cards- “when the hand learned to hold itself slightly suspended over a horizontal surface in order to touch rough and smooth.” Or while playing with the cylinder insets, “when the hand took the cylinder insets and placed them in their apertures.” (the same three fingers used in writing) and while playing with the geometrical inset trays, “when with two fingers it touched the outlines of the geometrical forms it was coordinating movements.”

According to Maria Montessori there are five steps to learning:

1. Observes demonstration:

In teaching anything to the child, always demonstrate it first, because children learn best through imitation. So, when a teacher is teaching a child to hold a crayon, scissor or how to write with a pencil, the first step of a teacher should be to demonstrate and show the correct way.

2. Participating stage:

Then is the participating stage where the child tries out what was demonstrated / taught. At this particular stage the child does not require your constant help but all that they ask for is your presence and guidance.

 3. Practice:

Now it’s time for practice and repetition. The more a teacher revisits the writing readiness activity / information the more it strengthens. Don’t confuse repetition with drill!

4. Eureka moment:

At this stage the teacher will experience the moment where the child has mastered what she has taught and is excited, enthusiastic about the writing readiness activities. Teacher should keep in mind that at this stage the child wants to do the activity again and again, try it in many different ways etc. Here teachers must not get irritated and ask them to change the activity. The same enthusiastic is required from the adult too.

5. Performance:

Now the children have mastered the writing readiness activities and will be able to do it well, whenever required.

Today as new educational philosophies and approaches emerge we tend to throw the old out of the window. Its time to start taking the best from all –old and new and create an early years pedagogy that is rooted in science, neuroscience, and child development. Children in the early years around the world develop similarly in the first 5 years so adapt global practices to your culture and let children have a stress free start to life and learning.