PEER PRESSURE- RELEASING THE PRESSURE THROUGH CHANGE IN PARENTING TECHNIQUES

When flying between the Earth and the Moon, the Apollo spacecraft was off course more than 90 percent of the time. On their lunar voyages the crew would constantly bring the craft back to its intended trajectory. They were not on a perfect path but a critical path. Because they knew their intended target they could correct their spacecraft whenever it wandered off- Anon

Teenagers are on a voyage to adulthood, they will veer off course like the Apollo but we need to know that as long as they come back to the intended trajectory which in their case is a healthy, happy life, we can be there to correct their spacecraft as and when required. No teenager will be perfect what is critical is that they are given a perfect chance.

Most parents are afraid that as their kids approach teenage, they will become stubborn, fall prey to wrong company, start bad habits and be difficult to communicate with. Well, teenagers will do this if they do not have the right support from parents, so instead of worrying parents should prepare for the teenage years, much in advance. And as the teenage years approach they should adopt a method called, ‘teen mentoring’.

According to Sigmund Freud adolescence is marked with ‘egos’ that leads to some level of superiority complex and inferiority complex as well. Author of the book, Stress In Young People, Sarah McNamara says, “Because adolescents have greater levels of logical and critical thinking and problem solving they are involved in establishing social identity. It is not only a time of opportunity but also of vulnerability to risk behaviours which can have lifelong consequences, especially for health.”

So the trick is to start preparing for the adolescent period early on, as those who have a healthy relationship with parents and teachers are able to stay away from harm whereas others succumb to it and engage in behaviours that jeopardise their healthy development.

So how can teenagers stay away from peer pressure? First comes an understanding that peer pressure is just another form of bullying in which the bully is your friend! Teach your kids to take hold of their life and where it is headed; teach them that no one should be ruling it but you. And for kids to take hold of their life, parents need to trust them with the independence of decision making and choices. If you are going to make all the decisions about your child, then your child will not be able to function without you and so when faced bullies your child will succumb. So stop being a ‘bully parent’.

Secondly, parents to teach kids that whenever they are in doubt about a decision - don’t do, teach them to seek advice from a parent. And for kids to be able to come to you for advice, you need to develop an open relationship that is non-judgemental, non threatening and accepting.

Thirdly, adolescents must get ‘social competence training’; teach them how to deal with stress management, self-esteem, problem-solving, substances and health; assertiveness and social networks. From your parenting tool kit, remove the word ‘no’ and replace it with, ‘let’s talk about this’, remove the words, ‘you are lazy, I don’t want to hear any excuses’ and replace with,’ so let’s find a way that you can do both’. Remember criticism hardens children and conflict resolution helps them nurture.

Fourthly start having ‘conversations’ with your child to understand how your child will react or think in difficult situations. Play a game of ‘Scruples’ to understand your child’s thinking and reasoning ability under emotional situations.

People who lack in self esteem are more liable to fall prey to peer pressure.   Find out if your child is always thinking negative or positive? Then instil confidence in your child, ‘I can! I will! I am sure! And it’s my life I will make it good’, are all statements that will help. Remove self doubt and replace with self will.

The next dilemma that most teenagers face when it comes to peer pressure is how to say no to friends! In such a case you need to cultivate assertiveness. Assertiveness is really about being fair- to yourself and all others.  Assertiveness means realizing that your feelings are neither more nor less important than those or other people, but rather they are equally important. Assertiveness helps you to talk about yourself without self-consciousness, to accept compliments, to disagree politely, to say no and to be relaxed around other people even when you differ or disagree with what they believe. And this is so important when dealing with peer pressure,

What adults can do is, accept that the child is now an adult and talk to him and relate to him accordingly. Instead of always shouting or lecturing him try ‘teen whispering’, which means having a quiet, discussion in which both the parent and the teen puts forward their point of view and way ahead.

When faced with peer pressure teens can use the fingers-thumb test to decide whether to succumb to the pressure or not. This test uses each digit of your hand and helps you self question and decide, so teach your kids to use this when they face peer pressure.

• Pointer finger- we always use this to point at others, so ask yourself if I fall prey to peer pressure will I be headed in the right direction or will I always have fingers pointing at me and labelling me for my incorrect decision.
• Tall man- I want to stand tall and be the best in my life, so then what my peers are telling me to do, will it make me best in my eyes or only in theirs?
• Ring man- stands for love and family, so before taking the decision under peer pressure, ask yourself what would my family want me to do?
• Little finger- have I thought about the minute repercussions to my health and reputation if I fall prey to this peer pressure?
• Thumb- a thumbs up says that you took a decision after weighing all the pros and cons and after considering the advice of all important people- peers, stress busters (family, teacher, friend) and yourself.

Parents need to understand that their parenting style needs to change with each stage of development of their child. You cannot treat an eight year old like a 3 year old of treat an eighteen year old like an eight year old. So here Rudolf Steiner the German educationist has good advice for parents-

INFANCY	CHILDHOOD	ADOLESCENSE
They learn by IMITATION	They learn with AUTHORITY	They learn with INDEPENDENCE
They need LIBERTY	They need EQUALITY	They need friends and FRATERNITY
They need a SPIRITUAL approach	They need ‘LEGAL’ rules and consistent consequences	They understand ECONOMIC and so need pocket money etc.