Losing Sleep Over It

Nothing compares to cuddling your child in bed, but sleep-sharing comes with its own set of dangers

To some parents, it's the most natural thing in the world. To others, it is an intimacy killer. Bed sharing is a Western debate that seems to have piqued interest in India. With changing lifestyles and plenty of global parenting information available, most Indian parents feel caught between culture and change.Recently, a sensitive survey on parents sharing their bed with children was conducted by parenting website Born Smart in Mumbai, Bangalore, Chennai, Jaipur and Pune. Almost 68 per cent of the families in the survey were nuclear and lived in houses with two or more bedrooms. In 78 per cent of the cases, kids shared beds with their parents. This underlines the fact that space alone is not the reason for co-sleeping.
Most (75 per cent) agreed that co-sleeping had affected their physical relationship as a couple.Maximum mothers felt that the bond with their husbands had suffered. They confessed that their children and spouses were bearing the brunt of their frustration. About 24 per cent parents admitted that they refrained from sex once the baby was born. To curb frustration, many husbands said they had taken to clubbing and drinking.“Parents must never for get that they are husband and wife first.When couples give less importance to their relationship, the stress and trauma is felt by all concerned, including the children,“ says educational activist and parenting guru Swati Popat Vats.
Parents who have no intention of sleep sharing often end up doing so when they find that it's the only way their baby will snooze.“Much research shows the benefits of babies being close to their parents, especially their mother. In the womb, they will have synchronised their heart beat, breathing and sleeping patterns with them, so once in the big wide world outside, this needs to continue for some time in order for them to feel safe, and extend to the father, too,“ says the UK based Jane Evans, author and trauma parenting and child behaviour specialist.
A majority of parents didn't want their child to sleep separately as they feared the kid would choke, fall or cry.
Ironically, the American Academy of Paediatrics recom mends against sleep-sharing due to SIDS and possible cot death. Studies at Erasmus University Rotterdam in the Netherlands show that there is an association between toddlers who share a bed with their parents at the age of two years and wheezing and asthma in later childhood.
THE DARKER SIDE
In her 31 years of research in early childhood, Vats has come across many cases where children were found `playing' with other peoples' genitals or `playing dirty games', and in many cases it was an imitation of what they had seen.“Parents feel that children are sleeping when they indulge in the physical act. Many children are light sleepers and those images seen in half sleep can have a long-term impact on the child. Previously, the culprit was the joint family, but now with more nuclear families, this shouldn't be the case. Maybe our culture still does not accept that a mother can make a child sleep separately,“ says Vats. The parenting guru believes that if parents receive the right guidance on how to wean off their children, then many couples would be able to rediscover intimacy. This would also result in less parenting stress.
“If co-sleeping is a family decision, parents must discuss and set themselves some clear boundaries and expectations around their intimacy as a couple and what they expose their child to. They must be made aware that this will have an impact on the child's development,“ says Evans.
THE RIGHT TIME
Parents should know that they can love and cherish their child without co-sleeping with them. For infants, moving into a crib that is kept near the bed or in the same room helps the weaning process. This way, breast feeding or rocking the child to sleep is easy. Once the baby outgrows the crib, move them to their own bed with devices such as baby monitors to keep a watch. Sonali Gupta, clinical psychologist at Chembur's Sushrut Hospital, believes we must wean off kids between the ages of two-and-a-half and three. “Start with afternoon naps and slowly transition to night sleeps but if the child is not emotionally ready, don't force it on him or her. It could have a negative impact,“ she says. Some educational organisations in Mumbai organise sleepovers for kindergarten students at school with food and fun exercises to help initiate the process of sleeping away from parents.“Kids are smart at picking up anxiety, so if either of you is anxious about letting them sleep alone, they will latch on to co-sleeping,“ warns Gupta. However, if children experience nightmares after they start sleeping on their own, the issue must be dealt with professionally.